My suffer, my pain, my hate
by moonygarou
Summary: You think you know my story? Then you are wrong. (Warning: RL/SB) *Chp. 15 up*
1. The hunter becomes the prey

Prologue  
  
  
I would never have believed that once in my life I would receive the emotion what love is. My hope was always small because of the family life I had to suffer at home. But when I went to Hogwarts my life changed dramatically. I had become friends and finally people saw the human in me, and not the beast that would have loved to thrash his friend's bodies. Even as my friends the only ones I ever had, found out who I really was, they never left me alone. Our friendship grew even more and I have learnt, or better to say, I felt for the first time what true love is. Only that was so long ago, and nowadays I love to remember the old happy days with my friends. But I also remember the days, which come back in my nightmares. The days where I just wanted to die because of pain hate and suffer. But I wan to tell you everything from the beginning, and the best is to start at the age of seven...  
  
1. The hunter becomes the pray.  
  
  
It was a wonderful summer day when I was sitting outside with my brother and I listened to what he said. He told me about the magical creatures, which live in the forest, from the good, and the bad. He was 7 years older then me but that didn't bother us. Until now I could always rely on to my older brother whichever situation I was in. "Remus will you promise me something?" Romulus started to ask. I looked at him questionably and just nodded at him, I didn't have the right words to answer him. "Stay away from the forest late in the night, because the wolf wants you for his pray tonight." I looked at him in a scared expression on my face, what did he mean? 'Because the wolf wants you for his pray tonight.' I didn't understand him anymore. My favourite animals have always been wolves, why should I be careful around them from one day to the other. When they are so peaceful animals. My brother looked at me if I was his worst enemy, got up and went in to the house without saying one word. I would have stayed outside if mother hadened called me for lunch. I went sad and distraught in to the house for lunch. Father and Romulus already sat at the table waiting. I sat down at my usual place opposite from my brother and just waited for the food. My father never really liked me. Why I didn't know and sometimes I get angry, just because I look so similar to him. But what can you do, nothing. You can't choose as a baby in which family you wan to be born and I have satisfied myself with that conclusion. Lunch passed by very silent, nobody said one single word. Later on we were all in the forest, taking a walk and everything between Romulus and me was forgotten.  
  
  
Why didn't I look out better, then I wouldn't have got lost after an hour. Now I was standing here, alone in the forest. The sunset already had been half an hour ago and still I looked for my parents. But I didn't find them and I just got more deeper in to the forest. After some time I was too tired to continue my search and I stopped looking. Then I heard a loud howl and something strong, big and hard pressed me to the ground, with my back to the top. Something sharp went in to my shoulder by the neck and I just cried out in pain. Then everything goes black.  
  
  
As everything got to focus again, I found myself in St. Mungos. It looked like it, the white beds, and the sanitary room. This just could be the hospital witches and wizards. I felt miserable, my back, my shoulder and my arm were in pain and I felt like if I would vomit any minute. After some minutes, came doctor in the room and looked at me concerned. He went to stand next my bed and asked, "Do you still remember what happened Remus?" I gently shook my head. What should have happened, only that I got lost nothing happened. "You were bitten by a werewolf Remus. You have become a werewolf Remus..." said the doctor. He was silent for some minutes and then he said, "you will stay here still for some days. And what the happens to you is your parents business." He went out of the room and locked the door after him. A werewolf, not that couldn't be true! No! But then I remembered the bite, I am a werewolf now and I have to live with this situation. In the next three days I felt how my senses got better, I even felt the feelings of the humans that were surrounding me everyday. After one week, all my wounds had been healed and only a big scar on my back remembered me of the accident, my mother came to pick me up. I had been standing at the window and I had been frightened, as a cold hand had touched my shoulder. But I stayed calm and turned my head in her direction. Her went away and she took three steps back. I had changed, I can still remember standing in front of the mirror two days ago and not having brown hair anymore, it had turned into a light brown. With my eyes happened the same thing, they weren't brown anymore they had turned in to amber and my skin was deadly pale. "Come Remus we want to go home." She just said and left the room. I followed her quietly and then we travelled with a portkey home. If I had known what would happen to me at home, I would have fled already.  
  
  
But that I am going to tell you another time... 


	2. Silent cries

MY life started to turn in to hell. It started with my parents hating me and I was frightening my own brother. He still was the only one in my family who still cared for me. I would never have thought that this curse, how some people may call it, has so many disadvantages. And I learned quickly that I now had to care of myself.  
  
2. Silent Cries  
  
  
As I came home the first person I saw was my brother. He looked at me with frightened eyes and he looked over to our mother. She only nodded and then left the room. My brother came slowly closer and as we were only some inches apart he asked, "Who are you?" these words came slowly but full of hope. "It's me Remus..." I answered quietly. He looked at pensively and exclaimed, "No! If I only had taken more care of you!" we just embraced until my father came and tore us apart. I slammed against the wall and I had to control myself not to scream out in pain. Romulus saw this and went to stand protectively in front of me. "Romulus go out of my way! That isn't your brother anymore!" my father shouted towards Romulus. Romulus then looked at me and then back at my father saying, "If that is your opinion father then I am leaving! With Remus!" father took Romulus by the arm and pushed him out of the room. Then he came back to me, took my arm and pulled me along in the cellar. He pushed me down the stairs and exclaimed, "here you will stay, and I'll warn you don't try to break out!" my whole body was in pain as he closed the door and locking it. I looked around and to my surprise all my belongings were down here. The small window was now barred and there was now glass anymore so the cold wind could blow in. and in the door was a trap door where they pushed the food through.  
  
  
I had made myself a calendar so I wouldn't loose the feeling of time. The nights were cold but I still could lie down on my bed under the warm blanket. But still I didn't know for how long I could still endure this. Time to time my father would come to see if I was still alive and to give me a beating. Nightmares were also now coming nearly coming everyday, which made the night for me the worst part of the day.  
  
  
The first full moon was the worst I have ever had. Father had come early in the evening and brought me in the woods in to a small cabin that was out of pure steel. I can't remember clearly the night but I the transformation was dreadful. But before my father came the next morning, Romulus came with teary eyes and with a pessimistic look. He looked at me with shock as I was lying on the floor bloodstained and crying. "Rem?" my nickname, which my brother gave me, still was being used, even if he had left me alone so many months like my parents, I still trusted him the most. I wanted to say something but I was to weak to give any response. He sat down next to me on the floor and took me protectively in to his arms saying, "Remus listen to me ok? I going to go and I am not coming back before July." My heart sank of the thought being left alone once more. He always came home for winter holidays why not this time? "Whatever happens, I will always be there, I promise." Romulus said and left. On this morning I have forgotten how to trust my family, after my father didn't care how badly I was injured. I had to get along on my own with the pain. It didn't matter how loud I screamed because of pain, nobody came to help.  
  
  
Romulus never came back and I can still remember my mother sitting at the kitchen table crying one afternoon. I wanted to go to her and ask what the matter was but father pulled me along down in to the cellar, and since then I never saw her again. After some months I even had my own bathroom down in the cellar and I came only outside to the fresh air for some minutes during the full moon. The years passed by slowly and painful, and until now there was no hope for things to get better. But at my age of 10 I had once again hope.   
  
  
But that I am going to tell you another time... 


	3. A new name a new beginning

How would you react, if you hadn't left the house for three years? That the sunlight for you would be totally strange, because you're only used to the sunset. If you would only see your father and no one else, a father who treated you like a piece of shit. What would you do?  
I can still clearly remember the cold morning during wintertime as I could seek for hope once again in my life.  
  
  
3. A new name a new beginning.  
  
It was one week ago that we had a full moon and I still felt the pain from the monthly transformation. Outside it was freezing cold, it was snowing and sometimes some snow was coming through my open window. I had already put on my warmest robe, still I felt cold. Like if I would have known my father started to bellow through the house, I know already now that I wont feel my bones anymore in one hour if not less. I sat down in the corner of my room and just waited. The much more I waited the more cold I got and my body started to tremble eventually. Then the door opened but not my father came, but a woman and a man I have never seem before. I recoiled even more against the wall being scared of what would now happen.  
  
  
It was strange to be in contact with other people then to my father. Who always said that I was only save down here in the cellar, safe of the humans. My name wasn't used anymore, I was only the wolf, and the beast like my own father described me. My father always complained of not having killed me, on the morning as he found me in the forest. I am still scared that nowadays he may sneak in during the night to kill me.  
  
  
I started to get scared of humans, how should I react differently. I was scared of the woman who slowly came closer and who then knelt down in front of me. I was feeling so cold that couldn't move away from her as she gently touched my forehead. The woman smiled at me and said to the man behind her, "Could you please give me a warm blanket the poor boy is as cold as ice." She then laid a warm around me and helped me up on my feet. I didn't know what to say, the woman was being so kind to me, my father must have been lying. I see that not all humans are bad to werewolves, at least these aren't. We slowly went up the stairs and as we reached the corridor the light blinding me.  
  
  
I can hardly remember how I landed in this bed. I still know that I couldn't stand anymore and that is all. Now I was lying here and I had no idea where I was. At least I wasn't anymore at home in the cold cellar. Well I really couldn't call it home it was more a prison then anything else. I felt drained, but I was lying in a warm and comfy bed, which made the situation more bearable. I closed my eyes wishing that this was reality and not just a dream.  
  
  
On the next day I got to meet the woman and the man who got me out of my prison. Michael and Catherine Lupin were the loveliest people, which I ever met. They had adopted me through the help of a wizard called Albus Dumbledore. From now on my name wasn't Remus J. Bones but Remus J. Lupin a name that should make me forget my past. After some days I saw the two like my own parents and they were happy that I got so quickly acquainted to the new situation. And being aloud to call them mum and dad made my luck perfect.   
  
  
But still the nightmares still came in daily basis and sometimes I still get scared that my father appears here someday to kill me. The first days I was staying I was scared to do anything and then have to receive a beating. But this didn't happen here everything was different. Everyone was much more kind and loving, and not even one harsh word fell. I feel save here, where I am now. But the feeling won't go away, the feeling of being scared of every human I don't know. Which made me get nervous and edgy. I don't know if I can ever trust a human anymore after what my father did to me it seemed to be impossible.  
  
  
The Lupin's lived on a small farm with horses where muggles could spend their holidays riding. There was the main building/house where we lived in, a small apartment house for the guests and of course the stables. The country around was wonderful; this is one sort of the places I thought they would only appear in your dreams. I started to love my new home and as the months passed by I forgot my father for the first time. Then during one morning a strange letter arrived addressed to me.  
  
But this I am going to tell you another time... 


	4. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizar...

It takes long to forget the past and to forget my father. Nightmares still haunt me during the night and in eating I am not very good. Since I haven't eaten much during the last few years, I am having difficulty of eating more then usual. My parents (Michael and Catherine Lupin) still try their best and every week I start eating a little more. I didn't know how my life would continue until one morning a strange letter arrived.  
  
4. Hogwarts - School of Witchcraft and Wizardry  
  
  
We were sitting at the breakfast table as the owl post came. A small letter landed in front of me on the table and my parents just smiled at me. I slowly started to open the envelope always looking back to my parents who gave me every time a reassuring look. I couldn't believe my eyes as I started to read the letter I had been accepted to Hogwarts, one of the best schools for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Romulus had always told me so much about that school that it had always appeared in my dreams before I got bitten.   
  
  
I started to read the letter once more, still not being able to believe my acceptance. But there was going to be problem what would happen during the full moon, I would endanger all the other students. I folded up the letter again and pushed it back in to the envelope. "What will happen during the full moon?" I asked returning to my breakfast. "Everything is sorted out. Don't worry everything is already finished so that you can go." Dad said giving me another reassuring smile. I nodded and I started to feel exited about going to Hogwarts.  
  
  
Still three months, three long months until I the school year would start. Of course I was still excited but what would the other students say if they found out about my condition. I knew I had to keep it a secret every day, every hour; I wasn't aloud to reveal myself. What if I didn't find any friends? What if I wouldn't like the school? What if Romulus had been only lying to me? So many questions, that can't be answered now. Only when I get there I know my answers.  
  
  
On the 1st of September I would have to leave for London, to go to the King's Cross Station to platform 93/4 to catch the Hogwarts Express. I am starting to get nervous of going to a school where I will know nobody. I am so scared. What if anybody would find out? I would have to leave Hogwarts not being to come back. So many thoughts and emotions were going through my head that I couldn't hear myself think. Will my life ever be normal? Normal enough, of not having to run away from every human who disgusts werewolves. I know that day will never come. Even if I am only eleven years old I know very well that my life is condemned for solidarity. No friends, no day without pain, no one who takes care for me like Michael and Catherine do.   
  
  
As I close my eyes that night, I couldn't find any sleep. Too much in my head that distracted me from the needing sleep, and as I did fall asleep a nightmare came. As I woke once during the night Michael was sitting next to me on my bed looking quite worried. My body was still shaking from the nightmare and by body had flinched at first as he started to comfort me. I started to close my eyes again enjoying the small comfort. My body started to relax and some minutes later I was sitting in his arms asking, "Have you ever been to Hogwarts?" He smiled at me laughing slightly and said, "Yes of course." He ruffled through my hair and hugged me tight. "How does it look like?" I asked him, now that I was awake I wanted to know more. "Well it is an enormous castle near Hogsmeade in Scotland. With moving stairs, an enormous Hall where you go to have your meals. There are four houses, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Rawenclaw and Slytherin. You will be sorted in to your house at the beginning of the term, in which you will be then for the seven years you're at Hogwarts. It's a wonderful school, you can loads of fun until you get caught." I started to laugh. Hogwarts sounded great and now I was beginning to be sure that I was going to love it there. "Try to get some sleep Remus." I laid back down on the bed falling asleep straight away having forgotten all the thoughts I had before.  
  
  
In the end of August we went to Diagon Alley to get all my books, uniform and other stuff I would need for Hogwarts. The day came when it was time to departure...  
  
  
But this I am going to tell you another time. 


	5. Meeting James Potter and Sirius Black or...

5. Meeting James Potter and Sirius Black or How the Marauder's met  
  
  
"Still nervous?" dad asked me as we standing on the platform 93/4. "A little." I answered looking around curiously. There were loads of students rushing around and concerned parents with their hushed goodbyes. Everything already looked wonderful and all nervousness was forgotten for some minutes. Not even in my dreams I would have dreamt of something like this. "You have to get on the train Remus. I don't want you to miss your first day of school." Dad said getting me back to reality and pushing me along to the nearest entrance. We had one last hug before I entered looking for an empty compartment. After some minutes I had finally found one, I stored my trunk away and just tried to relax a little.   
  
  
As the train had just left London two boys were standing in front my compartment. One of them (the taller one) had black shoulder lengthed hair, brown eyes and a mischievous grin was plastered on his face. The other one had unruly brown hair, blue eyes, used glasses and looked preoccupied over to his friend. The taller one then finally asked, "Are these seats already taken?" I shook my head and the two boys entered. The two sat down opposite me and my body started to get tense. After some minutes of silence and deep thought the brown haired boy said, "I am James Potter and this is my friend Sirius Black. And you?" "Remus Lupin." I answered quietly looking outside to the countryside.   
  
  
My body didn't relax, it only got worst as three other boys were standing in front of the compartment and trouble wasn't far anymore. "If it isn't Potter, Black and some other little piece of litter." The blond haired boy said. I could see that rage was building up in James and Sirius got up protectively. "Shut up Malfoy or do you already want to land in the waste bin? Oh is daddy's little son getting scared." Sirius growled back. I could only chuckle at his comment and as James joined we fell in to a fit of laughter. Sirius sat back down as the three boys left. "Who were those?" I asked as I could finally hold back my laugh. "No one important. Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle not very nice people for my account." James started to say as Sirius interrupted saying, "But great to pull pranks on." I think that is when I smiled for the first time on the train and James and Sirius returned the smile.  
  
  
After the food trolley had passed by, we had bought as much as sweets as possible. We were now having a contest 'who could eat the most' with Sirius in the lead. As we were having a break Sirius asked, "Do you already know in which house you want to be?" "Probably Gryffindor." I answered I had read Hogwarts History more then twice as I found out that I was going to Hogwarts. "Gryffindor that is where James and me also want to be! I wouldn't care if it wasn't but at least I don't want to land in Slytherin." Sirius said continuing to eat. "How can you eat so much Sirius?" James asked looking over mischievously to his friend. "I am just hungry that is all." He answered sticking out his tongue in to James' direction.  
  
  
After some more minutes of eating a red haired girl was standing in the compartment and already dressed in her robes, she asked, "As anybody seen a toad. A boy named Frank lost it." We all shook our heads and before we could say anything in reply she said, "You should start changing in to your robes. We should arrive at Hogwarts soon." With those words she left compartment and leaving James with his mouth open. "James? James to earth!" I said and James quickly closed his mouth and blushed. "James and girl sitting on tree k.i.s.s.i.n.g. on a tree. "Sirius and me chorused which made James blush even more.  
  
  
I knew know that I had fund great friends. But would they still be my friends if they knew about my curse? I don't know how they would react. I didn't know them long enough but I also didn't want to loose their friendship and I have promised my parents not to get in to trouble. The rest of the ride passed by too quickly and as it had gone dark outside we had finally arrived Hogsmeade.   
  
  
But what then happened and how we met Peter. That I will tell you another time... 


	6. Arrving at Hogwarts and the sorting hat

6. Arriving at Hogwarts and the Sorting hat.  
  
  
  
Dressed already in our ropes and to excited to even say word, we sat down in the small boats, which would take us to Hogwarts. I was joining a boat with Sirius, James and another a small boy who seemed to be even more nervous then we all three together.  
  
  
  
  
  
In the castle a strict looking witch waited for us. That's when I noticed how many first years would be attending Hogwarts for the first time and I didn't feel all so alone anymore. "Welcome in Hogwarts," the teacher started to say, "The feast will start momentarily, but before you can take your places you must be sorted into your house. Your house will be like your family, you will have the same classes, you will sleep together in your dormitories and you will spend your free time together. The 4 houses are Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin. During your time at Hogwarts you will earn points for your work but you will also loose points for any rule breaking. At the end of the year the house with the most points will win the house cup. I will call you in when you can come in." And with those words she left again. Sirius and James were still silent and you could see that there were still just as nervous as I was. Some minutes later the witch came back saying, "Where ready for you now, so please get in a line and follow me." We followed her until we reached the teachers table where a small chair with a tattered hat was standing. As I looked up I saw that the ceiling was enchanted and everything was just more wonderful then I imagined. "When I call your name, you will come up here and I will place the sorting hat on your head." She said pulling out a parchment with names. My body stiffened as she looked at us and I could hear Sirius and James gulp at the same time. "Black, Sirius." She called and a nervous looking Sirius went to sit down on the small chair. He looked unsure as he the sorting hat was placed upon him. "Gryffindor." The hat exclaimed and Sirius went to the Gryffindor table with a broad grin on his face. "Evans, Lily." The red haired girl we had met earlier had now her turn and also became a Gryffindor. Then some were sorted into Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin, but I hadn't really paid attention until my name was called out. "Lupin, Remus." I started to feel the colour leaving my face and my hope and happiness leaving my body very quickly. I made my way slowly towards the chair sitting down on it very carefully and trying not to flinch as the hat was placed on my head. It covered nearly my whole face, which made me go nervous and edgy. "I see you want to prove yourself, a lot of courage but also a lot of shyness." Was I imagining things or was the hat really talking to me? I was a dark creature I would probably land in Slytherin. "I know where I will put you." "Gryffindor." The hat exclaimed, a big grin appeared on my face and went over to sit down next to Sirius at the table. James, Frank Longbottom and another boy called Peter Pettigrew were the other first year students who where sorted in to Gryffindor, (and of course four other girls). Malfoy, Snape, Crabbe and Goyle were sorted in to Slytherin.  
  
  
  
  
  
After the sorting had finished, Dumbledore had had his speech and we had stuffed ourselves full with the food from the feast, were we lying on our beds still full awake talking happily to each other. "Where do you come from Remus?" Sirius asked me as I started to unpack my trunk. "Surrey." I answered quietly because a thought had just acured in my head. What if they would find out that I am a Werewolf? The friends which I would have won by then, I would loose immediately again. So better not to make tight bounds of friendships or it will be horrible having to loose them again. I went to the bathroom to change into my Pyjamas and as I came back everyone was already lying in bed. I charmed a silencing charm around my bed (Michael had shown me how to do it) so nobody would hear my nightmares at night. Oh how I feared loosing these friends again I had just met. And what will happen during the Full Moon? "Everything is sorted out. Don't worry everything is already finished so that you can go." Dad said giving me another reassuring smile. What had been arranged so I could go to Hogwarts? I wonder where I will have to stay for the night of the full moon. That night I fell asleep half excited half scared of what will happen during my time at Hogwarts. 


	7. First full moon

Being sorted in Gryffindor and having met the best friends in my life, I simply forgot that I was a Werewolf, until the first full moon came.

7. First full moon

It was a Friday afternoon and we were just coming from the Great Hall having lunch as Professor Dumbledore pulled me behind to talk. Sirius, James and Peter (he had started to follow Sirius and James so we just accepted him), looked at me worriedly but I gave them a sign to go on and that I will follow on later. So they went on to the next class talking happily to each other. 

"So Remus, I hope you like attending Hogwarts until now." He said and I nodded shy saying, "Yes very much." The headmaster chuckled and led me to the hospital wing. "This Madame Pomfrey she will help you every month to recover quickly, so you don't have to miss so many classes." The headmaster said and led me to a window. He started to point at a big brown oak that looked like if it could do no harm. "Half an hour before every moon rise you will meet here with Madame Pomfrey and she will then lead you down there to the Whomping Willow. Where a secret passage is hidden, which leads to a secluded shack where you can spend the night alone. And don't worry nobody will be able to follow you." he explained giving me a reassuring smile. I nod and I tremble slightly foreseeing what was going to happen again this night. 

I attended to my rest of classes for the day giving my friends the feeling that nothing was wrong. As we sat down for dinner Sirius asked curiously, "Why did Dumbledore want to talk to you Remus?" I didn't know what to answer at first. I know I couldn't tell them about my monthly problem it was just too dangerous. "Nothing…it was just about…my mother…she has been quite sick at the moment…" I said hoping that Sirius would believe my lie. James, who was sitting opposite me eyed me suspiciously, but then he said, "I hope she is getting better. Come on lets start eating before the we have to chase after the food." I laughed and the two gave me a reassuring smile and we all started to eat falling into a deep conversation.

After dinner I knew it was to time to go to the hospital wing. So I started to make my direction to it, but with some difficulties. I was just going to leave the common room as Sirius asked, "Where are you going Remus? Is something not ok?" his face was contorted with worry and just, as he wanted to get up I replied, "I am not feeling well, I am going to the hospital wing." He nodded in agreement but said, "Shall I come with you?" "No it's ok I will find my way. Thanks anyway." I answered leaving quickly the common room.

Some minutes later I was in a small room in the shack waiting for the transformation to begin. My body felt like fire as it started and bones felt like braking, I cried out in pain as the transformation finally stopped. My mind was ebbing away bit by bit and the Wolf was starting to take over inspecting the new place.

The next day I woke up in the hospital wing, bandaged at some places. I curiously looked around wondering how I have landed here. But then I remembered that full moon was last night and I felt like at home, being taken care of and loved. 

I was aloud to leave the hospital wing this evening after I had eaten dinner. As I entered the common room Sirius and James were playing a game of chess and Peter was sitting at a table looking confused over the potions book. I just stood there for some minutes thinking of how lucky I am to be aloud to attend Hogwarts.

I was torn from my thoughts as I felt a hand on my shoulder. Sirius was standing in front of me smiling broadly saying, "Remus is everything ok? You have missed all the lessons today." "I am fine Sirius. Really! I had just had a bad stomach ache and Madame Pomfrey was being over careful and only let me out tonight." I answered blushing slightly at his concern. Seconds later I found myself being hugged, something I have never felt before from anyone different then Michael. As Sirius let go again he laughed, "Come on then Remus. I need to win this game!!" Of course I couldn't say no, and so I pulled another chair closer next to Sirius and sat down on it. "That is unfair! How I am supposed to win this now!" James scowled making a sad face. "Why don't you ask that Lily Evans girl?" Sirius advised and James got up from his chair chasing Sirius around the common room. Saying several hexes under his breath but those never reached Sirius.

They chased each other until I was standing in the middle of having a laughing fit. "Take that back Sirius Black!!" James warned pointing his wand at Sirius. "Guys…" I tried to say something but Sirius voice was louder, "Why should I??" I tried to interrupt again but with no chance. The two continued to scowl at each other, there was only one chance left. I needed to shout. "SHUT UP!!" the two looked at me bewildered and James asked, "What is it?" "If you want to argue then do it somewhere else but not with me standing in the middle." I explained. A mischievous grin appeared on Sirius' face and James nodded. 

Seconds later I was having another laughing fit as I was tickled to death. James was holding me on the floor and Sirius was having fun trying out all the spots where I would laugh the most. I surrendered some time later excusing myself for bed. 

As I was lying in bed I noticed what good friends I really had. And I hoped that our friendship would never break. Because I learned that friendship is something wonderful which you have to care for. And I will do my best not to do anything wrong to loose those friends I have just won.

~*~

**Author's Note:** Sorry that it took me so long to write this chapter. But I just didn't come up with any ideas. The next chapter will be up sooner I promise!!


	8. Questions

As I have already I was adopted with the age of 10 by the Lupin's. I didn't know why, during that time but I also didn't know how or why.  It didn't bother me during that time because I was just relieved to get away from there. But as one day (one week before Christmas holidays), Sirius and James started to talk about their families questions came up in my head.

8. Questions

"Remus are you going home for Christmas?" Sirius asked and I shrugged not really sure yet about my decision. I didn't know if I was welcome at the Lupin's house for Christmas, as I didn't know them yet very well. "And I thought you would like to come home for Christmas." A voice behind me said and I slowly turned around to look in Michael's smiling face. But it wasn't a happy smile and he was dressed totally in black, something must have happened. I hugged him and then Sirius smiled greeting Michael friendly. I just wanted to say something as Michael said, "Remus we need to talk, do you have any classes now?" I thought for one second, shook my head and replied, "No. Let me just get my things into the common room." Michael nodded saying he would meet me in ten minutes outside by the Quidditch pitch. I agreed and made my way to the common room with Sirius.

"You really like your father did you know that? Except for the eyes, his are brown your eyes are amber." Sirius said as we entered the common room. "You are the first one who ever says this." I whisper not having courage enough to tell him that he wasn't really my father. But that my father the worst person he would have ever met. Sirius looked at me suspiciously and patted me on the back saying, "Well you better be going. I'll meet you later on at dinner." I nodded and I quickly put my things in our dormitory and then I went to the Quidditch Pitch.

"That was quick." Michael said patting on the ground next to him for me to sit down. "There are some things that I need to talk about with Remus as I don't want to make any mistake like your mother did." What did she have to do with this? I thought I could forget her out of my life but as I see I can't. "But first of all I want to know what happened. Poppy said you are having nightmares and I want to know why." Michael said looking at me concerned. I didn't want to think about him, I wanted to get Jonathan Bones out of my life it was already enough that I had remember him every time I read my middle name. "It is because of my father…" I whispered, using father instead of Jonathan as that name wouldn't pass my lips. "There is something your mother never told you…Jonathan was never your father…I Am." I looked at him confused. How could he be my father? Nothing made sense anymore and I shook my head wanting to wake up from this dream. "Remus calm down please, I know this quite too much as once but it wouldn't be fair on keeping secrets from you." Michael said taking me into his arms comforting me. "How?" I asked looking up into his face. 

"Well to make the story a bit quicker. Your mum and me were in love, but her parents promised her to Jonathan. She had to marry him because her family wanted and she had totally to forget about me. Well after you mother married him, they got Romulus your half brother. But she was still meeting me once in a while without Jonathan. And then one day you were born, but she never told me about and disguised you with a simple Polyjuice potion that would work for your whole life. I was never supposed to know that you were born, I was made believed that you are also Jonathans son and Jonathan also thought the same. But as you were bitten the potion failed and Jonathan found out. Your mother informed me and at first I didn't want to believe it. But as Jonathan also told me that I would never get see you once in my life, I informed the Ministry that something was wrong, and I wanted to be your Guardian. But the Ministry wasn't very cooperative, until one day Dumbledore appeared at my doorstep. Telling me that Romulus had talked to him about the story and Dumbledore helped me immediately." Michael explained and I hugged him tightly sobbing a little. 

"There is still something else I need to tell you." Michael said and I could hear the sadness out of his voice this time. I nod and wait patiently for him to tell me what is wrong. "Something unexpected has happened…Catherine died two days ago giving birth to your little sister." He said and he held on tight like if he also didn't want to loose me. "And I could need your help over the holidays." He also says and I nod.

We both get up from the ground and start to make our way back to the castle. But just before we entered the safety of the walls he said, "I didn't let you answer my question earlier on completely. Why are you having nightmares of Jonathan?" "He hurt…me…" I sobbed starting to tell him everything what had happened during those three years. I started to tremble seeing everywhere Jonathans face even as I closed my eyes. Michael lifted me up trying to calm me down with his words that seemed to have an affect on me. Minutes later, I found myself lying in the Hospital wing. "Now try to sleep a little. I'll wait until you fall asleep." He whispered and I fell in a natural sleep, without any nightmares for once.


	9. A Roman Myth

9. A Roman Myth

Time passed very quickly until the Christmas break and sooner then I thought I found myself packing my trunk, with the belongings I needed for the break. The train was going to leave tomorrow morning at 10am sharp and I didn't want to be in a hurry. James and Sirius were sitting on a bed talking lively to each other and I could feel at the same time their eyes watching my every move. I was still the most reserved from our little group and Sirius had started to make it as a task to make me more active in everything, like now.

"Remus doesn't your name come from a Roman Myth?" Sirius asked and gets up sitting down on my bed instead.

"Yes it does." I answer quietly and think about the possible reason why my brother and me were called after that Myth.

"Tell me! Please!" Sirius begged looking at me with his puppy eyes. Who could then still say no? I nod and now Peter, who just came out of the bathroom, follows James and the two sit down on the floor in front of Sirius and me.

"Remus and Romulus, as the myth says, were twins. Amulius, who was the brother of their mother Rhea Silvia, made his own sister a priestess, so that she would have no children who could lay claim to his throne. After the birth of her two boys, Remus and Romulus, to remove any threat against himself, he had them thrown in a basket into the Tiber. The twins were not drowned, however. They were rescued and nursed by a she-wolf on the slopes of the Palatine Hill and were later discovered by the shepherd Faustulus and reared by his wife, Acca Larentia. When they grew to manhood, the brothers deposed Amulius and placed their grandfather Numitor on the throne." I stopped for some minutes and looked at the curious faces around me. Everything was for once quiet something that doesn't happen very often when you are around Sirius and James.

"Are you already finished or is there still more to come?" this time it was James who asked curiously. And I sighed telling the end of the myth.

"The brothers then decided to build a city. After quarrelling over the spot, they finally chose the Palatine Hill. Romulus built a wall, over which Remus, to show its inadequacy, scornfully leaped; Romulus or one of his companions thereupon killed Remus, and Romulus became sole ruler of the city. To populate the city, he provided an asylum on the Capitoline Hill for runaway slaves and homicides and procured wives for them by seizing the Sabine women at a festival to which he had invited the neighbouring Sabines. After a series of wars between Romulus and the Sabines, they were finally reconciled, with Romulus as king. According to legend, Romulus was carried up to the heavens by his father, and was later worshipped as the god Quirinus."

They were all still quiet and fascinated by the Myth. I thought for a minute and then remembered that Sirius was also the brightest star in our Universe. "Do you know what else is named after your name Sirius?" I ask and Sirius looks at me bewildered and shakes his head. "OK then let me tell you: Sirius, also Dog Star, brightest star in the sky, situated in the constellation Canis Major. The star was highly venerated by the ancient Egyptians, who regarded it as a token of the rising of the Nile and of a subsequent good harvest. Many Egyptian temples were constructed in such a way that the light of Sirius reached the inner chambers. The hottest part of the summer coincides with the heliacal rising of Sirius, and thus acquired the name dog days."

"How did you find that out?" Sirius asked and I look over to Peter who looks quite confused.

"Sirius that is the most ridiculous question you could have asked him! Think a little and then tell me where we find Remus nearly always when he isn't with us or at class?" James asks and Sirius still looks at me a little bewildered.

"So that is what you do in the library, you read all the time." Sirius answers to James' question and I blush a little.

"Have you got any siblings Remus?" Peter asked still looking quite confused.

"Yes, I have got a seven year older brother and a baby sister. Do any of you three have any siblings?" I ask and I try to get my thoughts of Romulus. I still missed him very much and I didn't even know if he was still alive or at least where he was and that were the reasons why I was so preoccupied, if I was ever going to see him again.

"I have a one year younger sister, she also probably coming next year to Hogwarts." Sirius answered, as for James and Peter, the two shook their heads. 

We spent the rest of the afternoon we spent talking and I was quite exhausted as I lay down on the four-poster bed that evening. Falling asleep as soon my head touched the pillow.

"Remus? No get away from me!" Romulus was standing in front of me, in front of the Werewolf. I tried to control the wolf but I had no success. The wolf pounced on to his brother and started to tear him apart. "No! Stop!" I screamed to myself but the wolf didn't stop, it just continued to maul his brother.

I wake up from my nightmare as somebody is shaking me. I flinch and recoil to the touch of the other person. I sit up and pull my legs up to my chest rocking back and forth. I am sobbing and I close my eyes as the person comes closer.

"You don't have to be scared Remus, it's only me Sirius." Sirius whispered. I opened my eyes as he came to sit down next to me and started to comfort me. I was trembling as I was in Sirius' comforting arms and I close my eyes sobbing harder then before.

"Calm down Remus…it was only a nightmare…you don't have to be afraid." Sirius whispered rocking me gently, repeating over and over again that everything was ok.

"Why don't you go back to bed Sirius…I am ok…you don't have to do this…" I sobbed, but he didn't let go instead his grip got stronger.

"I'll wait until you're asleep. That is what friends are for Remus, and if it means to help you fall asleep again. I will do it…I know how vivid nightmares can be. When I was younger I sometimes had some…now and try and sleep." He said comforting me and I eventually fell asleep.


	10. The Return part one

10. The Return – part one.

The ride to London on the train seemed like ages especially since Sirius and James were only about Quidditch and because of Peter having stayed at Hogwarts for Christmas. So I spent the time looking out of the window watching the white snow covered fields pass by. 

Sometime in between the compartment went totally quiet and my gaze turned away from outside over to Sirius. James had left the compartment and Sirius' was looking at me concerned, but curious at once, cocking his head to the side slightly and his brown eyes glowing with mischief. I smiled back at him and then I returned my gaze outside. Still I felt those brown eyes burning into me and I shook my head.

"What is it?" I ask not taking my gaze from outside. I could hear Sirius take a startled intake of breath and I heard James coming back to the compartment.

"Nothing… it is nothing." Sirius whispers. "What are you hiding…" he says under his breath and I pretend I didn't hear like any other normal human who wouldn't have been able to hear those quiet words. I swallow a great lump of pain down my throat and I close my eyes for some minutes, pretending to be asleep.

'Any normal human…' I flinch at my own thoughts. I am not normal; I am a beast, a monster and nothing else. I don't deserve of having such friends. I don't deserve to live at all.

I got distracted from my thoughts as a warm hand touched my shoulder. I flinched and my eyes flew open, scared and distraught I looked at Sirius.

"Come on we're in London and you probably don't want the train leaving with you inside do you? Come on race you!" Sirius said mischievously putting my trunk in front of me. Waiting for me patiently to get up. I smiled at him, pushing all my thoughts aside, getting up taking my trunk, and then racing with Sirius out of the train.

"Hey wait for me!" James shouted after us catching only up with us outside. As we stood there waiting my body froze of the cold around me, and I tucked my hands into my trousers looking around lost and scared.

James was the first one to leave and then Sirius, who looked back until he crossed the barrier. Then I was standing there alone, shivering from the cold and I jumped slightly as warm jacket was draped around me.

"You should have brought a jacket that would have held you warm." That was Michael's voice and I turned around looking up to my father's concerned face. I bowed my head in shame of not having thought about it.

"It is ok Remus. Come on lets go home." He said taking my trunk and I nodded following him quietly.

As we reached home everything smelt of fresh made cookies and of thousand other different Christmas smells. I closed my eyes taking in all the other different smells, and I opened my eyes once more in shock, just like earlier on with Sirius, as I smelled two other people in the house.

I stayed standing in the doorway and Michael turned around looking at me concerned and putting down my trunk. I knew that one of the smells must belong to my newly born sister, but to whom did the other unknown, but still so known, smell come from.

"Come inside Remus." Michael said gently coming up to me, taking my hand and getting me inside. 

"Who else is here?" I ask, my voice shaking. Michael smiled at me helping me out of jacket. I looked at him closely cocking my head in a curious way.

"Well we shouldn't keep our guest waiting." Michael said mischievously going over to the living room giving me a sign to follow. As we entered the person was standing with the back to us and as he turned around, I backed away against my father searching frantically for a way to escape.

"Remus…" Hair, eyes, voice, and smell everything was so similar. Michael laid a comforting hand on my shoulder as the man came closer and I started to struggle, not being able to stay in the same room with that person. Not after what he had had done to me, not after all the abusing.

"Remus it's ok… you don't have to be scared… I won't let anyone hurt you." Dad tried to comfort me but my body grew only tenser.  I looked once more around frenetically and as I finally found an escape I ran.


	11. The Return part two

11. The Return – part two

I ran up to my room, banging the door close behind me and sitting down in a corner of my room, pulling my knees up to my chest and burrowing my face in them. How could he! How could Michael bring back the person, who was the main cause for my pain, back into this house? Pictures flow back in my mind and I can feel my body starting to tremble of fear.

I can hear footsteps of two people running up the stairs and I think quickly of a way I could escape this time. But I have got no chance this time to get away. I can only hide. Wolf instincts come through again and I quickly go and hide in my closet. The place where I had also hidden when I was small, in front of Jonathan. But I knew that he had always found me and this time wouldn't be any different.

Hidden in the dark closet and with my knees pulled up to my chest. I hear the door to my room open and I whimper wolfishly secluding more and more against the wall.

"Remus?" That was Michaels concerned voice and I could hear him search frantically through the room.

"Look in the closet." That was his voice. But wait no, that sounded much younger then Jonathan's voice and much more gentle. My bewildered mind went even more confused and I whimpered even more too scared then to even move an inch now.

"Why should he hide in the closet it is much to dark in there." I tried to move to show them where I was, but my body seemed in to big shock then to be able to move.

"He always hid there when he was small." Footsteps came closer and I sunk my head in my knees as bright light came inside.

"Remus… you don't have to be scared. Trust me… come on son." I slowly crawled towards Michaels kneeling form and when I was in front of him, he lifted me up in his arms holding me tight. I looked around the room spotting the person I had accused to wrongly earlier on. And I took a closer look I saw the so known features of Romulus. He was sitting on my bed, his bowed and the air in the room was covered in concern and fear.

As Romulus looked at us smiling Michael let me down again saying, "Dinner only will be ready in half an hour so there is no hurry." He left afterwards and Romulus got up approaching me hugging me tightly.

"Sorry I didn't mean to frighten you earlier on. Have I changed that much?" he asks and I nod sobbing furiously in his robes now.

"Everything is ok now Rem… I am not going to leave you again… never." He whispers comfortingly in my ear. 

But I can I trust him? I don't know, he once left me and the second won't be far away for sure.


	12. Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy and the res...

12. Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy and the rest of the filthy pack

The rest of my Christmas passed by in a blur and when I stood once again on the platform nine and ¾ I was over delighted to go back to be with my friends. Still I was kind of sad as I entered the train, rushing in the in the nearest free compartment and tearing open one of the windows to shout once more goodbye to my brother. But as I looked outside he was already gone, I closed the window and sat down heavily on one of the seats wondering when the next time would be where I would see him again.

Stuck in my thoughts I didn't even notice Sirius enter the compartment and only noticed him as he was sitting down next to me, looking at me curiously.

"I hope you don't mind me sitting here but you were so muddled up in your thoughts you didn't even notice me." Sirius said his voice full of joy and excitement, while his eyes were sparkling mischievously like he was looking for something he couldn't see.

"And there you go again! Care to share your thoughts with me?" Sirius chuckled a huge grin plastered on his face and wrapping his arm friendly around my shoulders. I flinched slightly, still not used to those friendly gestures, and I thought I could see a tinge of concern spread along his smile but then I thought I was mistaken as he was smiling again.

"I was only thinking about Christmas holidays…" I answer my voice just above a whisper and Sirius leaned back taking his arm from my shoulders, looking at me contently.

"Christmas holidays hmm? Wonderful aren't they? But I think I will spend next years at Hogwarts, probably more exiting then to sit the whole time with my whole bunch of family." Sirius laughed and I could only join the laughter, which only faded as James Potter entered the compartment just as the train started to leave.

His face was blushed and you could see that he had been in a hurry. His hair unruly as always and his glasses nearly falling of his nose, while James stood there like a bedraggled poodle which looked quite funny. I held my laughter as for Sirius, he fell into hysterics of laughter and James looked at him angry in a funny kind of way.

"I. Don't. Think. This. Is. Funny." James said in a sincere tone that was also hiding a small chuckle and we all fell into a fit of laughter. As we finally catched our breath again, James sat down opposite us smiling broadly.

"Why did you come so late anyway James?" Sirius asked and James shrugged his shoulders. Then he just wanted to say something as the compartment door opened and a bunch of Slytherins entered halfway. Nausea started to spread through my body and the wolf in me got scared as it saw the silver cross hanging from one of the boys necks.

"Well what have we got here, three Gryffrindor's, how appropriate." The taller one sneered known as Lucius Malfoy. Behind him were standing Severus Snape whose black hair looked like if he hadn't washed it since years, and then there were still Goyle and Crabbe.

"What do you want Malfoy?" James asked harshly getting up holding his wand in his pocket tightly.

"I thought now that we found this compartment we must clean it from the rubbish which is inside." Malfoy sneered and the other Slytherins laughed behind him. Sirius got up pulling out his wand and pointing it at Malfoy warningly.

"The only rubbish I can see is you. Wait I have forgotten, didn't you say that your house is a rubbish bin?" Sirius laughed joined by James. The two didn't notice that Malfoy pulled out his wand so I quickly jumped up from the seat.

"RICTUSEMPRA!!!" I shouted aiming at Malfoy who fell to the floor squirming and laughing.

Sirius and James turned their heads looking at me surprised. Meanwhile Severus said the counter spell and helped his friend back on his legs who looked at us with pure hate.

"This is not the end, you will see." And with that the four Slytherins left our compartment and I sat back down somehow quite please with my own action while James and Sirius were still gaping at me.

"Wow Remus! What was that for?" James asked and I shrugged sinking deeper into the seat blushing furiously.

"Don't know… it just came instinctively." I whispered and Sirius shook his head sitting back down next to me.

"Well… we can't spend the rest of the ride doing nothing. So what about thinking about the next prank we could pull on them?" Sirius asked mischievously and James nodded rubbing his hands together and grinning broadly.

"Remus?" The two said at the same time and I looked at them like if I didn't even know what they were talking about. But I didn't have any other chance as the two were already joining me in their plans.

"This is going to be a year to remember, or better to say years to remember." I thought to myself starting to listen closely to the plans James and Sirius were already making up.


	13. Becoming Marauders

13. Becoming Marauders

We had only been back for a week and we were already sitting in our first detention with Professor McGonagall. The head of Gryffindor didn't find it to amused to find us at the place of crime giving us immediately our first, but also probably not last, detention. Even if we had everything totally organized and calculated we wouldn't have thought that something could go wrong. Still we somehow had left benefited, with a grin of achievement on our faces, as the Slytherins also had to endure the same detention we had.

Deathly glares were glanced at each other while Professor McGonagall was separating us along the room. Still it came that the classroom was to small then not having to sit all next to each other, so at the end I sat next to Peter while James and Sirius were sitting next to each other whispering instead of working, which of course caused even more trouble.

"Mr. Black and Mr. Potter I thought I had told you write out that passage out the book and not to go and jabber with one and another." McGonagall said strictly and poor Peter cringed slightly next to me. James and Sirius looked up looking at the Professor confused pretending that they hadn't done anything at all. The Slytherins sniggered as they were obediently to copy down their passage to cowardly to do anything wrong now.

"Pettigrew. Go and change place with Mr. Black here maybe then we will have some more silence." McGonagall commanded and Peter jumped up with a shriek and quickly gathered his things. Sirius got up with a grunt and whispered something again in James' ear before coming to sit down next to me.

"She doesn't like me." Sirius grunted leaning down on the table with the full parchment next to him.

"I mean look, I have already copied everything." Sirius whispered with a small hint of that mischievous look in his eyes. I grinned looking at to McGonagall and then leaning down next to Sirius.

"Come on tell me, how did you do it?" I asked my voice as quiet as possible and a broad grin appeared on Sirius' face. He slowly pulled out his wand from his sleeve and whispered something under his breath while pointing his wand at my piece of parchment. Seconds later the passage appeared on the parchment and I thought quickly how we could escape our detention, so that we wouldn't have to sit here through the rest of the evening.

I gave a quick glance at Peter on whose parchment also just appeared everything mysteriously. I looked over to the Slytherins and at the same time Severus Snape glared at me, the silver cross still hanging loosely around his neck. Our looks were fixed for some more seconds before we turned back to gaze at the table. 

I could feel the Silver affecting my body slowly even if it was not touching my body and I closed my eyes for some minutes feeling nausea spread through my body. I had never been so close to silver as dad always prevented Silver coming anywhere near the house.

"Professor!" Sirius' yell pulled me from my reverie and I looked at her trying to sit up straight. She came over to me and felt my fevered forehead knowing exactly what was wrong.

"Mr. Black please escort your fellow colleague back to your dormitory, and you two Gryffindor's can also leave as you have already finished. Now of with you four and I hope that I won't find any of you four marauding around the castle again." McGonagall chuckled slightly at the last part. In the meantime Sirius helped me to stand, his arm under my shoulders so I could lean my weight on him and like this we slowly left followed closely by James and Peter.

I felt a lot better as we reached our common room and Sirius helped me to sit down on one of the armchairs. I smiled at the couragly and Sirius smiled back pulling me friendly on his lap feeling my forehead worriedly.

"I am fine Sirius. I just felt a little dizzy earlier, probably of something I ate wrong. Nothing to worry about." I said and Sirius sighed pulling me in a deeper embrace. I don't know why but I somehow felt safe in those strong arms relaxing totally, feeling totally liberated and normal.

"Ha! Did you hear what she said at the end? That we were marauding around the school!!" James laughed and my head shot up, joining the quiet laughter.

"The next time she will say that the 'Marauders' are marauding again." Sirius said and we all looked at us with evil glints. Peter looked at a little scared at first not really confident of the thought, but we soon had him convinced by saying that Hogwarts needed to lighten up a little.

So that was then when we called ourselves secretly the Marauders. Knowing that many pranks and midnight adventures were still ahead of us, just like the big amounts of detentions.


	14. Second hand emotion

14. Second hand emotion

It took only one, or was it two, weeks until we became one of the most popular boys in Hogwarts, everyone off us with our own little trait. Expect maybe chubby little Peter, but still he was one of us and never to be left out.

Sirius and James had made me come out of my well build up walls, and whenever we spent our time all together ranting over the next prank, lesson or just the current homework, I felt somehow normal. Still I had to hide the part of the wolf in me, which still came every month out to play. I still made up the most various excuses, still the most used was the one that I had to go and see my ill mother.

However sometimes when I came back from a full moon, I would find Sirius sitting in the common room waiting for me even when everybody would have already gone to bed. I wondered if he really knew what was wrong, that thought scared me every month again. Just like the nightmares which became more horrid during the growing moon, nightmares in which the wolf mauls his best friends into small shreds so that at the end all fit in matchbox.

The same occasion occurred also tonight, as I had just come back from the infirmary late in the evening. As I entered the common room only the light from the fireplace illuminated the room and in front of it was sitting Sirius wearing a worried expression while he somehow still produced a small smile.

I smiled back at him going over to my friend to sit down next to him. Of course I still felt drained from the transformation which had only been the night before, but I always was up for some talking now especially with Sirius.

Sirius a bright shining star up in the sky, the young boy sitting next to me with his short black hair and with those mysteriously dark brown eyes. He always knew how to lighten up the mood or to threaten the Slytherins, in particular Severus Snape. Still when we four (James, Sirius, Peter and me) were all together, Sirius and James stuck mostly together. As far as I knew Sirius and James already knew each other since childhood so no wonder they had such a good friendship between them.

"Is your mother better again?" Sirius asked and I could hear there was somewhere a tone of disbelief. I shook my head, as I knew that my head would only let jumbled and senseless words out now.

I wondered how it had to have a real mother who cared for you, as I couldn't remember how it was anymore with my mother. She had never been totally warm towards me and nowadays I understood why, still I wished that she were sometimes still there so the family would be complete but I knew that would never work.

"Remus can I ask you something?" Sirius looked at me this time concerned and I just nodded turning my gaze away from him.

Had they found out my well-kept secret? Would they now hate and loathe me for what I was? A werewolf, a beast, something like me that didn't deserve any friends neither should be aloud then to even attend Hogwarts.

Several minutes of silence passed between us and a small yawn escaped my lips. I leaned back against the couch and closed my eyes. For some seconds I thought that I felt Sirius' hot breath against my neck. But as I then opened my eyes he was just still sitting next to me smiling.

"Remus what I…" Sirius started to stutter for the first time since I knew him. I looked at him questionably while I smelled love and affection pouring of him. I calmed down sighing feeling that he couldn't know my secret.

"What Sirius?" I asked getting up wanting now just only bed and a nice long sleep.

"Would think that it is too young in our age to love someone?" Sirius whispered his voice nearly not audible. I still looked at him confused; 'love' was what ruined my life and which destroyed my family. I couldn't see anything in that second hand emotion which only hurts in your soul. But what was really love? Something, which I probably never really will get to know and feel. I knew what love meant in a friendship and I knew that my father loved me, like a normal father could only love his son. Still true and real love was something I would never let judge my actions.

"I don't know…" I answered and Sirius nodded while a sad expression went along his face.

"Why are you asking?" I asked after some more minutes of silence and Sirius shook his head smiling broadly.

"Don't know it just came in my head. Let us call it a night shall we?" and then we both went up to our dormitory while Sirius started to rant about our latest prank we had performed on our favourite Slytherin.

We were still laughing as we were already lying in bed and I closed my eyes, and before I could foresee it I fell into a peaceful sleep.


	15. Summer holidays

**Author Note:** First of all, thank you, thank you and thank you for the encouraging reviews for me to continue. After reading OotP I got very discouraged to continue to write as the point of view of the Marauders is very different to the point of view of JK's, so I'll continue the story totally AU like I planned. Secondly I am totally astounded that I have reached the 20 mark in the number of reviews, thank you for all the faithful readers and reviewers! Well I should stop ranting and start the chapter. *Grins*

15. Summer holidays or memories always will catch up with you.

The last few months went much to quick for my disliking. As then suddenly the exams were coming up I wondered who had been playing with the time. Of course I loved my father like I loved my new home, and I also couldn't wait to see my small sister again. But Hogwarts was different, I felt wanted, and I had gotten friends, this place was like a second home to me. A place well I felt save and I knew as long as I could keep my secret I could finish of my education with no problems at all and become a full-fledged wizard.

I looked at Sirius and James, both looking also a little downcast as we wandered to the Great Hall for lunch. We weren't talking at all until we were sitting at the Gryffindor table, but even there silence was a constant member. Until finally Sirius broke the silence.

"So what are you guys going to do in your summer break?" Sirius asked curiously, with his fork in hand picking around in his food somehow uninterested.

"My parents are planning with a trip to Europe." James said cheerfully taking another plate full of Shepherds Pie, smiling broadly.

"Peter?" Sirius looked at our friend with a curious gaze. Peter looked up blushing, like he had been thinking about something completely else and hadn't even listened to the conversation Sirius had started.

"What? Oh… sorry… holidays… erhm… I don't have a clue." Peter stammered looking quickly away again, down on his plate picking through his food just like Sirius. I sighed as I noticed that I wasn't the only one hiding secrets, as I could smell something coming of Peter, something forbidding. Still Peter was innocent, not capable of anything so I quickly pushed the worried thought aside and answered the question that was now directed at me.

"I don't know…" I answered knowing not really what was coming upon me this summer. Yes I had already spent a great deal of time at Lupin household, but still hadn't got used to living with my father, my true father. That thought brought a smile upon my face and I hoped that I could finally get used to my new life. And I had planned to get to know my small sister better; I had hardly seen my baby sister during the Christmas holidays, mainly because I had spent a lot of time with Romulus.

"And what about you Sirius? Asking everyone what he or she is doing during his or her holidays but keeping quiet yourself. Come on, answer, I am waiting." I then said pulling Sirius of the thought of killing Snape who had just passed the Gryffindor table, waving my hand in front of his face.

Sirius shook his head and the pushed my hand away, while taking a mouthful of his food that was still on his plate.

"I am just as clueless like you Remus, my grandparents from America are coming for several weeks but well that is also the only thing I know." Sirius answered while meanwhile starting to enjoy the Shepherds Pie eating it with very much enthusiasm.

We spent the rest of the day talking happily about the year we had had, coming to the conclusion that the next would be just as fun when not even better as we all knew each other now. We had grown quite close friends during the last weeks, sticking together everywhere and in whatever situation. No one would find any of us alone now, except of course for the full moon where I still disappeared still making up many excuses. I didn't know how long I could still make up lies, after all Sirius, James and Peter had become great friends and I had doubts still lying at them. Because as far as I know one shouldn't lie to his friends, but was this different? I didn't know.

As we retreated to our bed that night I couldn't find any sleep at first. Everything that I had tried to forget, everything that had happened only until a year ago, came up again. I closed my eyes wanting them to open them again as old pictures up again. But also as I opened my eyes I could see Jonathan's face everywhere, glaring at me, sending words of disgust at me and warning me.

I pulled my legs against my chest, trying to push the tears away that were threatening to fall. I closed my eyes and rocked back and forth trying to push away the horrible memory but nothing seemed to work.

"Go away… leave me alone…" I begged but he only came closer.

"I will never leave you alone… you'll always be mine." He said menacingly and I covered my ears with my hands trying to push the mere thought of my stepfather away.

"Go away! You're not real!" I whimpered shaking my head letting the tears fall, forgetting everything around me I cowered in shame on my bed. No one understood what I was feeling, what was happening and no one was also supposed to know. One would call me insane if I would tell what was just happening to me. I tried to block all the truth away from me feeling somehow stuck in the vision of Jonathan.

I didn't know what was happening to me as suddenly strong arms were wrapped around me, and soothing words were whispered in my ear. I tried to struggle at first panicking as I felt even more hands upon me, holding me; I only relaxed again as only the strong arms were around me rocking me.

"Ssshhh Remmie calm down… everything is going to be ok." I could tell that Sirius was holding me soothing my fears little by little. I slowly opened my eyes looking at Sirius fearfully and somewhat ashamed of my emotional breakdown. He only shook his head and pulled me closer.

"You've got nothing to be ashamed of Remus… I just want to tell you if you need ether someone to talk too you can always come to me… I don't want to push you, just tell me when you're ready." Sirius whispered and I just nodded not finding any words to say.

I felt somehow weird, the wolf in me was so calm and not restless like normally as Sirius is holding me. I felt so safe and secure in his arms, I felt like if I had found a place where I felt normal and where the wolf and all the cruel memories were absent.

"You're ok now Rem?" James asked who I found sitting at the end of my bed, smiling warmly while still concern was coming from him. I whipped my last tears away and smiled back at him.

"Yes… yes I guess so." I stammered for an answer blushing, as I couldn't find any more coherent answer. James nodded and excused himself to bed, leaving Sirius and me alone.

"Sirius?" I looked up to Sirius still blushing. He just looked down at me and smiled, chuckling as he saw my flushed cheeks.

"Something wrong Remmie?" Sirius then asked.

"No… nothing, I just wanted to say thank you." I whispered blushing even more. Sirius just chuckled and we spent the rest of the night talking about the most different things, until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and fell asleep in his arms.

~*~

A/N: So this chapter didn't turn out really how I wanted but well. Please review! (If you have forgotten, the little button for that is down on the left side, you just need to press it.) Thanks!!


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